Reds Manager Kenny Dalglish, ruler of The Kop, is set for talks with Liverpool’s American owners, a meeting in which John W Henry is expected to hold up a picture of Andy Carroll and ask him what the hell he thought he was playing at, to which the only acceptable answer will be that Mario Balotelli put on his best Scottish accent and posed as Dalglish when Liverpool splurged £35m on the Giant Ponytail. Carroll’s time on Merseyside is up anyway, and he would not be averse to a move back to Newcastle, it says here.

Caroll Finished at Liverpool Man United interested in Dempsey

Probably wasn’t the best idea to behave like he did week then, Andy. Liverpool will console themselves by signing Juan Vargas from Fiorentina, 15th in Serie A. The good times are back baby!

Perennial victim Roberto Mancini says Balotelli will be sold in the summer, just like he said Carlos Tevez would never play for Manchester City again. City are planning a £7m swoop for Lille’s teenage left-back Lucas Digne. The last two left-backs signed by Mancini were Gaël Clichy and Aleksandar Kolarov, who’ll be sold in the summer, so that should fill everyone with confidence. At this rate, he’s two steps away from bringing in Djimi Traoré. Self-awareness’s Kolo Touré is in a hot funk about being left out of the squad against Arsenal and will storm off to Russian romantics Anzhi Makhachkala.

Caroll Finished at Liverpool Man United interested in Dempsey

Fulham face a fight to hold on to goal ace Clint Dempsey, a £10m target for Arsenal and Tottenham. Manchester United, who already have a couple of popular Americans in the boardroom, are also interested. Ramires reckons Chelsea target Axel Witsel, currently of Benfica, will be a big hit, assuming he’s not too busy treading on toes and uncovering conspiracies in Beverly Hills.

Kevin Doyle‘s expert exhibition of how to sit on a bench at Wolves will earn him a £4m move to Southampton, regardless of whether Saints are promoted to the Premier League. Coldplay’s Chris Martin, on loan at Crystal Palace, is set to join Brighton & Hove Albion for £1.2m.