First, some sleuthing French gloss-sheet revealed that Kate Middleton has breasts. And now some Seine-side organ has discovered that Paris St-German are planning a big spending spree.
By Paul Doyle
Magnifique! French media seem to be getting all the best scoops these days.
While the first of those scoops had the additional merit of exposing the hypocrisy of the seedier sections of the British media (“how dare they breach a lady’s privacy like that!?” mewled many while simultaneously carrying ultra-zoomed stills of ladies’ skirts riding high as they step out of a car), the PSG news flash has the merit of helping to comply with the official European Union quota of Mario Balotelli stories, Brussels having issued a directive stipulating that every media outlet must mention the Italian striker at least once a day for the rest of his natural born life.
Some media have fallen short of that requirement recently, with Eurocrats said to be alarmed by the British publications’ sudden refusal to carry reports of Balotelli going to the toilet, eating in a restaurant or buying a hat.
“It’s political correctness gone mad!” howled one Luxembourg MEP.
“Do those workshy British hacks honestly expect us to believe that Mr Balotelli doesn’t need to empty his bowels any more?!” bellowed a senior German diplomat.
Fortunately the Mill is always ready to do its duty so today can happily regurgitate the claim that Paris St-German are preparing a January swoop for Mr. Balotelli, who, we can add exclusively, is expected to use a lavatory at some point this morning.
Assuming they are still in Champions League contention come January, PSG will also splash out on Santos’s automatic headline generator, Neymar, and a 21-year-old Colombian by the name of Pedro Franco. He’s a defensive midfielder currently on the books of Millonarios Bogotá, according to top insider Wikipedia.
With PSG buying up players like there’s no tomorrow and as if buying up players would be a sensible thing to do if there were no tomorrow, Manchester City are starting to fret that they may come after more than just Balotelli.
Which is one of the reasons why there readying to tie David Silva down to a new contract worth £200,000 per week.
Another of the reason is that Real Madrid are also nosing around the Spaniard.
David Moyes, meanwhile, is thinking if snapping up Artur Boruc, the former Celtic goalkeeper who is now a free agent.
Finally, Arsène Wenger’s belated conversion to defensive fortitude has become so profound that the man who once believed that Arsenal could get through an entire season with just Mikaël Silvestre and a cut-price scarecrow as reserve central defenders now believes that Laurent Koscielny should be joined on the bench by Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa, the Montpellier youngster is also being stalked by Milan.